A Tale Of Two Suitors: Smeg Ups!
by Raging-Rambo-2006
Summary: You've read the story, now see the smeg ups, featuring myself as the director and the characters as themselves see the trials and errors of each chapter! Read and Review please I spent ages trying to think up this lot! Thanks!
1. Author's note and Chapter 1 Smeg ups

Authors Note:  
If you have read the sorty A Tale of Two Suitors and are now reading this, on behalf of myself and the cast of Red Dwarf that appear in my story, as well as the original characters I have created I would just like to say a big thankyou for reading and the many reviews we have recieved.  
As a special treat we have put together the smeg ups for each chapter in the hope it will be of some entertainment to you.  
Read and enjoy! Kind Regards. Jo (AKA Raging-Rambo-2006) and the cast of Red Dwarf x  
Rimmer: By the way Jo owns none of us, although I'm certain she wishes she owned me! We belong to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor the creators of Red Dwarf and no one else!

Jo: Okay guys, so lets take it from the top...and...ACTION!  
Rimmer: Lister, what the hell is this?  
Lister: Oh Kochanski!  
Rimmer: Eh? That's not the right line!  
Jo: CUT! Lister we've only just begun and you've forgotten your lines already!  
Lister: Oh yeah Krissie that feels so good, Oh yeah I love it when you play with my nipples!  
_Rimmer starts laughing._  
_Jo grabs an airhorn and throws it at Rimmer along with a pair of earplugs._  
Jo: Put those in and wake that lazy goit up!  
_Airhorn goes off_  
Lister jumps up and bangs his head on the ceiling.  
Lister: Oh sorry are we filming already?

Jo: Okay and ACTION!  
_Smoke billows from the cockpit_  
Caz: What the hell was that?  
Rowan: No idea but we're in serious trouble. I'm sorry Caz...I've forgot my lines!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Kryten what are the life sign readings?  
_Rowan jumps up from behind the pilots seat.  
_Rowan: They're all dead Dave!  
_Rimmer and Rowan start laughing_  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: Okay guys...ACTION!  
Lister: Name's Dave Lister and that smeg head over there is _bursts into song _Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, without him life would be much grimmer!  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!  
Kryten and Cat: If you're in trouble he will save the day, he's brave and he's fearless come what may...  
Jo: I SAID BLOODY CUT YOU BUNCH OF GOITS!  
Rowan: Without him the mission would go astray!  
Rimmer: I'm Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer...  
Jo: Don't you bloody start!  
_A few moments later...  
_Jo: Master of the wit and the...OH MY GOD THAT IS IT! YOU'RE ALL BLOODY FIRED!


	2. Chapter 2 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay and ACTION!  
Rowan: Morning Kryten any chance of a hot shower? I smell like a curry house!  
Kryten: And what is wrong with curry, it's Mr Lister's favourite!  
Rowan: Erm Kryten you've got the lines wrong.  
JO: CUT! Kryten did you even read the script?  
Kryten: Yes Miss Jo I did.  
Jo: Really?  
Kryten: Lie mode cancel. No I didn't.  
_Jo rolls eyes and walks off set._

Jo: Okay and here we go guys, ACTION!  
Rimmer: Rowan's a pervert Lister you'll get used to it...what no that's wrong.  
Rowan: Cheers mate, thanks a smegging bunch!  
_TAKE TWO  
_Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Lister's a pervert Rowan, nice boxers by the...Oh smeg I've done it again!  
Jo: CUT!  
_TAKE THREE_  
Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Lister's a pervert Rowan, you'll...(italian accent) Oh no this is ridiculous!  
_Rowan starts laughing and hugs him_  
Rimmer: Sorry I couldn't resist!  
_TAKE FOUR_  
Rimmer: Lister's a pervert Rowan, you'll get used to it. Nice boxers by the way...FINALLY I GOT IT RIGHT.  
Jo: Hallelujiah and CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat: Hey good cooking? What's looking? Sorry I got that wrong.  
Jo: CUT! Start again and get it right before I cook you!

Jo: ACTION!  
_SCREAMS  
Rimmer bangs his head on a pipe and the pipe falls on him.  
_Rimmer: Oh bollocks!  
Jo: CUT! _starts laughing uncontrollably  
_

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Get out you pervert!  
Cat: I'm sorry!  
Lister: What the smeg is going on?  
Cat: I had no idea she was in here!  
Lister: Are you okay Rowan?  
Rowan: DO I BLOODY LOOK OKAY?  
Rimmer: Yeah you look quite sexy actually, fancy going to see a movie later?  
Jo: CUT! Rimmer what the hell?  
Rimmer: Oh smeg sorry wrong chapter...whoops.


	3. Chapter 3 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay take it from where you're about to fix the guitar and...ACTION!  
Rowan: Pass it here let me have a look.  
_Lister goes to hand Rowan the guitar but drops it on her foot.  
_Rowan: OUCH THAT HURT YOU IDIOT!  
Lister: Whoops!  
Jo: CUT! Start over!

Jo: Okay guys ready and ACTION!  
_Rowan takes the guitar from Lister and starts tightening one of the strings, but it snaps.  
_Rowan: Oh bollocks!  
Lister: MY GUITAR! YOU BROKE IT.  
Rimmer: Hooray!  
_Rimmer jumps up to start dancing, forgetting he's laid on his bunk and smacks his head off the top of Lister's bunk  
_Rimmer: OUCH!  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT! AND CUT! Can't you guys just get one scene right or am I asking too much?  
All: You're asking too much!  
Jo: I thought so!

Jo: Okay places people and ACTION!  
Lister: How can I make it up to you?  
Rowan: I'm not talking to you pervert!  
Lister: What? That's not the line and what am I meant to have done?  
Rowan: I saw you staring down my top while I was trying to fix your guitar!  
Lister: I was doing no such thing!"  
Rowan: Liar!  
Jo: CUT! What the smeg is wrong with you two?  
Rowan: He's a pervert, i aint working with him until he appologises.  
_Jo shakes head and leaves the set feeling stressed.  
_Jo: I was promised professionals and I get a bunch of school children, kill me now!

Jo: Okay guys and ACTION!  
Cat: That is the last time I ever try and help that ungrateful, fashion challenged, stuck up...idiot. Please don't kill me  
Rowan:  
Jo: It's okay Cat, all is forgiven. Anyway what's wrong Cat?  
Cat: I offered to help Rimmer fix the problem in the engine room and as soon as it went wrong he yelled at me and then he laughed when a pipe burst and I got covered in oil  
Rowan: Tell you what...I've forgotten my damned lines again!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat: I love it!  
Rowan: Told you, black and silver go together perfectly, why do you think I wear it so often?  
Cat: Baby, I think I may have to kiss you!  
Rowan: Oh Hi Rimmer what are you doing there?  
_Cat looks towards the door and spots Rimmer.  
_Cat: Hi buddy!  
Jo: CUT! You're not supposed to notice him you pair of goits!

Jo: Okay guys, everyone ready? and ACTION!  
Lister: Ah Kryty me old mucker, just in time Rowan's gonna give us a song.  
Kryten: Is there no end to...to...to...oh spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska I've forgotten my lines!  
_Everyone starts laughing.  
_Jo: For smegs sake CUT!


	4. Chapter 4 Semg ups

Jo: Okay quiet on set please guys and ACTION!  
Rimmer: Let me guess Lister's snorings keeping you awake?  
_Rowan shakes her head and chokes back a sob._  
Rimmer: What's wrong?  
_Rowan looks at him and starts laughing_  
Rowan: Lister just farted and it stinks to high hell!  
Jo: CUT! Oh man Lister did you have to I can smell that over here!  
_Lister uncovers his backside and wafts a hand across it._

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Thanks Rimmer.  
Rimmer: For what?  
Rowan: Showing me that you're not all bitterness and hatered, that you do actually have other emotions.  
Rimmer: Tell anyone and I'll make sure...oh for crying out loud now I've forgotten my lines!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: Quiet on set and ACTION!  
Rowan: My lips are sealed.  
_She kisses Rimmer on the cheek and moves out of view._  
Rimmer: I'm in there baby!  
Jo: CUT!  
_TAKE TWO  
_Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: My lips are sealed_.  
She kisses Rimmer on the cheek and moves out of view_.  
Rimmer: Have I got a lipstick mark on my cheek now?  
Rowan: I'm not wearing lipstick smeg head!  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT!  
_TAKE THREE_  
Rowan: My lips are sealed.  
_She kisses Rimmer on the cheek and moves out of view.  
_Jo: CUT! Finally they get it right!  
Rimmer: I should become a kissogram!

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: Rimsy! Get your lazy arse up you smeg head!  
_Lister pulls the covers off Rimmer and looks away in horror_.  
Lister: Good grief man put some clothes on!  
_Jo stares in shock, getting a nice view of Rimmer's behind.  
_Lister: Jo shouldn't you be yelling "CUT!" and going mad?  
Jo: Yeah sure, in a minute...  
_TAKE TWO_  
Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: Rimsy! Get your lazy arse up you smeg head!  
_Lister pulls the covers off Rimmer and looks extremely confused to find Rimmer wearing a checkered red and white gingham dress and army boots._  
Mr Flibble: Rimmer is not awake at the moment but if you would like a to leave a message, do so when my hex vision kicks in!  
_Mr Flibbles eyes glow red._  
Lister: HOLY SMEG!  
_Jo looks away laughing_.  
**(AN: All credit for the gingham dress part goes to Laura xx)  
**

Jo: Okay guys and ACTION!  
_Lister pulls the blanket off Cat's bunk to wake him up.  
_Cat: What the hell are you playing at man? You know I can't face the world unless I...remember all my lines, which unfortunately I haven't!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: I'll speak to her later, make her a nice vindaloo that'll cheer her on Cat, we'll go find Kryten and have a go at...learning our lines before coming on set. Sorry Jo.  
Cat: Man you really starting to get on my nerves now!  
Jo: CUT!


	5. Chapter 5 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay guys, lets get this over and done with quickly its way too cramped in here. ACTION!  
Rowan: Any luck yet?  
_Rimmer's head appears from a hole in the floor.  
_Rimmer: Well put it this way, I can tell that...sorry could you pass me a towel I'm sweating like a horny bloke in a porn shop?  
_Rowan slaps him round the face and walks away_  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Any spare piping?  
_Rimmer nods nervously handing her a length of pipe and leans over her, his crotch pressing against her rear end in the confined space.  
_Rowan: Erm Rimmer is that a spanner in your overalls or are you just happy to see me?  
Rimmer: I...erm...well...I...  
_Rowan starts laughing and blushing.  
Jo struggles to hide her jealousy.  
_Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: I...erm...I'll see you later, I need a long hot shower.  
Rimmer: Would you like me to come and scrub your back?  
Jo: CUT! Rimmer what the hell is wrong with you you're being such a pervert today!  
Rimmer: Why would you like me to come and scrub your back for you as well?  
_Jo blushes and giggles like a naughty school girl.  
_Jo: If you're offering!

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: What are you doing later? I thought we could go and watch a movie.  
Rowan: Well, Rimmer's invited me to have dinner with him in the officers quarters tonight.  
Lister: Is it april fools day already?  
Rowan: Yep, gotcha!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: No perverted remarks this time Rimmer, ACTION!  
Rimmer: I meant what I said Kryten, I want everything perfect.  
Kryten: It is Sir. I must say though Sir, this is all very nice, music, candles. May I enquire as to why?  
_Cat chases Lister across the set weaing a red and white checkered gingham dress.  
_Jo: CUT! What the hell are you two playing at?  
Cat: Hi baby, Mr Flibble says will you go on a date with him?  
_Jo walks up to Cat and rips the Mr Flibble puppet from his hand and stamps on it._  
Jo: Get off my set before I fire you!  
_Cat and Lister walk away with their heads hung low._  
Kryten: Miss Jo that was completely uncalled for!  
Mr Flibble: All I wanted to do was ask her to come and see a movie with me!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: GODDAMNIT!  
_Rowan slams the wardrobe door shut but it flies back open and smacks her in the face_  
Rowan: OUCH!  
Jo: CUT!  
_TAKE TWO_  
Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: GODDAMNIT!  
_Rowan slams the wardrobe door shut and it falls off its hinges_  
Rowan: Whoops!  
Jo: FOR GODS SAKE CUT!


	6. Chapter 6 Semg ups

Jo: Okay and ACTION!  
Rowan: Rimmer? Hang on a minute...  
_The figure by the window turns round and its Lister._  
Lister: Hey Rowan, Rimmer couldn't make it tonight so he sent me in his place.  
Jo: CUT! Lister you smeg head get the hell out of here!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Rowan? Wow you look...  
Rowan: If I look like Cat just say so now so I can murder him later.  
_Rimmer smiles and puts his arm round Rowan and rests his head against hers, turning her to the window.  
_Rimmer: You look amazing.  
Rowan: You look rather...oh damnit I've forgotten what I was supposed to say.  
Jo: Handsome?  
Rimmer: What you really think so?  
_Jo winks at Rimmer_  
Jo: Fancy a drink after work.  
Rimmer: Okay! What time shall I pick you up?  
Kryten: Erm, shouldn't you have said "CUT!" when Miss Rowan said she'd forgotten her lines?  
Jo: Smeg off Kryten can't you see I'm trying to organise a date with Rimmer?  
_A FEW MINUTES LATER..._  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Care to dance?  
Rowan: Are you trying to make me die of shock?  
Rimmer: Why can't you dance?  
Rowan: No it's just that...  
_Rowan starts singing scissor sisters..._  
Rowan: I don't feel like dancing...  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan and Rimmer dance around the room until...  
_Rowan: OUCH! Watch it, I thought you said you could dance?  
Rimmer: I can it's you you were supposed to put your left foot back not you're right!  
_Rowan stamps down hard on Rimmer's left foot._  
Rimmer: OUCH what was that for?  
Rowan: Being a smeg head who can't dance!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan sits at the piano and starts to play, Rimmer stands and leans on the piano watching, Rowan looks up to start singing and stops abruptly_.  
Rowan: Jo you still got that airhorn?  
Jo: Yeah why?  
_Rowan points at Rimmer, who has fallen asleep on the piano._  
Jo: For crying out loud.  
_Jo walks up to Rimmer and activates the airhorn.  
_Rimmer: Yes mummy I'm just packing my stachel!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Thankyou for tonight, it's been amazing.  
_Rowan kisses Rimmer on the cheek, but he pulls her back to him and kisses her, but she pulls away._  
Rowan: EW GROSS, garlic breath!  
Jo: CUT!  
_TAKE TWO  
_Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: I ain't kissing him unless he's got rid of that nasty garlic breath of his!  
Rimmer: I do not have garlic breath!  
Rowan: Yeah you do!  
Rimmer: Do not!  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT!  
_TAKE THREE_  
Rowan: Thankyou for tonight, it's been amazing._  
Rowan kisses Rimmer on the cheek, but he pulls her back to him and kisses her.  
_Jo: CUT okay guys that was perfect! You can stop now.  
_FIVE MINUTES LATER..._  
Lister: Holy Smeg are they still going at it.  
_Jo nods jealously_


	7. Chapter 7 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay, ACTION!  
_Lister hangs over the edge of his bunk and pokes Rimmer_.  
Rimmer: Smeg off!  
Lister: Where's Rowan? Her bunks not been slept in.  
Rimmer: What part of smeg off don't you understand?  
_Cat pulls the covers back and gives Lister a deathglare._  
Cat: Do you mind some of us are tyring to sleep! Now then Rimsy baby, where were we?  
Jo: WHAT THE? CUT! CUT! CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: What the smeg is wrong with Rowan? Why did she end up falling for Rimmer of all people, I'm telling you he's gonna gurt her, it won't last he isn't capable of love.  
Kryten: It's not right man! She's gorgeous, talented and just totally amazing and who does she fall for? The most arrogant, smeg head on the ship!  
Lister: Hang on a minute that's my line!  
Kryten: Whoops, engage embarassment mode...embarassment mode engaged...OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO BAD!  
Jo: CUT! I GIVE UP!  
_Jo storms off set ripping up the script as she goes._

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan opens her eyes and looks under the covers of the bunk, a horrified look on her face_.  
Jo: CUT! What the hell's wrong with you?  
Rowan: I'm in bed with Cat!  
_Jo looks confused until Cat pulls back the covers and licks Rowan's cheek._  
Cat: Hi baby!  
Jo: Where the hell's Rimmer?  
_Rimmer strolls leisurely onto the set in just his boxers._  
Rimmer: Oh sorry were we filming._  
Jo stares at him and cocks her head to one side staring at his arse._

Rowan: Hey Cat, tenner says I can make Rimmer yell alphabetti spaghetti like he did in polmorph!  
Cat: Twenty says you can't!  
Rowan: Deal!  
_Jo and Rimmer walk onto the set, he and Rowan get into the bunk and Cat sits at the table._  
Jo: Okay ready and ACTION!  
Cat: Well Rowan, I'm glad you two had a good time, which is more than can be said for doormouse cheeks, he hasn't been this moody since he and Rimmer swapped bodies.  
Rowan: Oh man, is he still acting like a spoilt brat because I told him I didn't fancy him?  
Rimmer: You what?  
_Rimmer sits up so fast he throws Rowan from his chest and she bangs her head off the side of the bunk._  
Rowan: OUCH! Rimmer!  
Rimmer: Sorry.  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: Please don't look at me like that.  
_Rowan starts laughing._  
Rowan: Like what?  
Rimmer: Like I'm a pepperoni pizza with extra onions!  
Rowan: Not my fault I wanna drizzle you in ketchup and...  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: I told him I didn't fancy him, I chose to spend the evening with you and to be perfectly honest I'm glad I did.  
Rimmer: I know. Rowan I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap like that. It's just that...Everytime I think I've found something good in my life, something always threatens to destroy it.  
Rowan: Do you honestly think I would choose a scruffy, vindaloo eating, beer glugging pig like Lister over a smart, charming thoughtful guy like you? I'd have to be insane to fancy Lister.  
_Rowan leans in to hug Rimmer but he doesn't move his head out of the way and they end up headbutting eachother.  
_Rimmer and Rowan: OW SMEG!  
_Jo falls out of her chair laughing._  
Jo: (between giggles) CUT!  
**(AN: Another gratefully recieved contribution from Laura xx)**

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: So what do we do now?  
Rowan smirks evilly.  
Rowan: Oh by the way Lister's good in bed!  
Rimmer: WHAT?  
Rowan: The things that boy can do with alphabetti spaghetti!  
Jo: What the? CUT! CUT! CUT!  
Rimmer: ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI!  
Rowan: YES! Cat you owe me twenty quid!  
Cat: Damn!  
Jo: I SAID CUT!


	8. Chapter 8 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay guys, quiet on set and...ACTION!  
_SCREAMS!_  
Lister: What the smeg? Rowan are you okay?  
Rowan: It's Rimmer! He was in the cargo bay and a box of explosives fell on him, he's dead!  
Lister: WHAT? What do you mean a psychopathic hologram and he's trying to kill you?  
_Rimmer walks round the corner wearing army boots, stockings, suspenders, a pvc corset, a pvc jacket lined with feathers, two dog collars and a nose ring linked to his ear by a chain._  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! AND CUT! Rimmer you're wearing the wrong outfit you smeg head!  
Rimmer: Huh? Oh smeg sorry Jo!  
_Rowan and Lister start laughing as Rimmer skulks off in shame._

Jo: ACTION!  
Mr Flibble: Mr Flibble says...DAMNIT I forgot my lines  
Jo: CUT! How the hell have you forgot your lines? You're a damned hand puppet with Rimmer's hand up your arse!  
Mr Flibble: Okay, okay no need to get personal!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Red and white checked gingham dress and matching hat, £20. Army boots, £10. Evil penguin hand puppet £5...the look on Lister's face when he sees Rimmer wearing them...PRICELESS! There are some things money can't buy...for everything else there's mastercard!  
Jo: CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! What the hell was that?  
Rowan: Sorry, just seemed too good an opportunity to miss!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan sits on Rimmer's lap_  
Rowan: How do you think that went Mr Flibble?  
_Puts Mr Flibble next to her ear and makes a disgusted face as she pulls him away._  
Rowan: You disgusting little pervert!  
_Rowan throws Mr Flibble across the room._  
Jo: CUT! Rowan what's going on?  
Rimmer: What did he say?  
_Rowan whispers into Rimmer's ear. Rimmer then makes a disgusted face._  
Rimmer: You sick little bastard!  
Jo: Will someone tell me what's going on we've got a schedule to keep to!  
_Rimmer whispers into Jo's ear and raises his eyebrows at the disgusted look on her face._  
Jo: OH MY GOD! Mr Flibble you're fired you disgusted, sewer minded, perverted penguin!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Lister runs into the galley._  
Lister: Guy's I need your help!  
Cat: Why what's wrong with you man? You look like you've seen a ghost.  
Lister:Worse! Rimmer's dead, come back as a hologram and he's got that freaky virus again!  
_Cat and Kryten look at eachother and laugh hysterically.  
_Kryten: Sir have you been eating cheese vindaloo again, you know what that stuff does to you...  
_Everyone goes silent. _  
Cat: Kryten its still your line bud.  
Kryten: Oh sorry did you want the rest of that?  
Jo: CUT!  
_  
_


	9. Chapter 9 Smeg Ups

Jo: Okay quiet on set please and ACTION!  
_Lister runs through the cargo bay checking every nook and cranny_.  
Lister: Rowan? Rowan where are ya?  
Rowan: What are you doing?  
_Lister lets out a high pitched scream and a stray shot is fired, narrowly missing Jo by inches._  
Jo: CUT! Smegging hell Lister watch what you're doing with that thing!  
Lister: Sorry...OH SMEG!  
_Lister runs away as Jo chases after him with a bazookoid, firing like a woman possessed._

Jo: ACTION!  
_Cat greedily starts scoffing a plate of fish and starts choking._  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: You seen that gimboid Lister today?  
Cat: Yeah, he's been acting really wierd.  
Rowan: How so...whoa!  
_Rowan moves to sit on Rimmer's lap and the chair gives way and they both fall backwards onto the floor_.  
_Jo laughs uncontrollably._  
Jo: CUT! Someone fix that chair please.

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat: Rowan Redfield you are evil!  
_Rowan looks offended at Rimmer._  
Rowan: Did you hear what he just called me?  
Rimmer: Huh?  
_Rimmer removes his earphones and turns off the i-pod._  
_Jo shakes her head angrilly._  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Hi Lister!  
Lister: Don't you "Hi Lister!" me.  
_Lister drops the bazookoid and it fires off a stray shot._  
_Rowan, Rimmer and Cat dive under the table_.  
_Jo hides behind the directors chair._  
Jo: CUT! Lister I'm not employing stunt doubles! Either learn to use the safety or I'll have you replaced!  
**(AN: Another contribution from Laura xx)**

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: You have a serious jealousy problem Lister, no wonder Kochanski couldn't wait to get away from you!  
Rowan: Eh Lister isn't that my line?  
_Lister laughs and pulls his hat over his eyes in embarrassment.  
Cat, Rowan and Rimmer start laughing.  
Jo shakes her head and rolls her eyes._  
Jo: CUT!  
_TAKE TWO_  
Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: You have a serious jealousy problem Lister, no wonder Kochanski couldn't wait to get away from you!  
Cat: Guys...I really don't think...  
Lister: What did you just say?  
Rowan: What you didn't hear me?  
_A mobile phone starts ringing, playing the Red Dwarf theme tune._  
Cat: Sorry guys I thought it was on silent.  
Rowan: It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere...  
Lister: I'm all alone, more or less...  
Rimmer: Let me fly far away from here...  
Jo: Fun, fun, fun, in the...CUT! CUT! CUT!


	10. Chapter 10 Smeg ups

Jo: Oay guys and ACTION!  
Cat: You did what? Are you crazy? Why the hell have you done that?  
Rowan: Erm to answer your questions in order, I dumped him, no I'm not crazy and I did it because I'm allergic to commitment!  
Jo: CUT! Rowan what the hell are you doing that's the wrong line!  
Rowan: Oh sorry I thought we were doing runaway bride.  
Jo: One scene, please just get one scene right!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Lister examines his swollen eye in the mirror.  
Rimmer enters the room, spins Lister round and punches his other eye, sending him reeling to the ground.  
_Jo: CUT! Rimmer you weren't actually meant to punch him, we were going to sort out sound effects later!  
Rimmer: Yeah but I've wanted to do it for so long!  
Lister: Cheers!  
_Jo looks away so no one can see her laughing._

Jo: ACTION!  
Lister: Oh no, what have I done. Rimmer, I didn't want it to play out like this.  
Rimmer: No you wanted it so that if you couldn't be with her then niether could I. Well congratulations, she doesn't want to be with me anymore. The one person I've ever loved and now I've lost her.  
Lister: What did you just say?  
Rimmer: You heard me, I said...what did I say?  
_Lister starts laughing.  
_Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan stands on the observation deck looking out of the window at the stars and bangs her head against the window, ending up putting her head through it.  
Rowan: Whoops!  
Jo: CUT! Who the hell ordered the sugar glass? Get that pane replaced and start over!  
_Chris Barrie, Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules and Robert Llewlyn walk onto the set.  
_Chris: Jo you're on the wrong set, this is where we're filming Back To Earth.  
_Jo burries her face in her script to try and hide her embarrassment.  
_Danny: Yeah and erm you're gonna need to replace that sugar glass by the way.  
Jo: Whoops, erm Rowan, change of plan...LEG IT!  
_Craig and Robert chase after them until they disappear off the set.  
_Craig: OI GET BACK HERE!  
Rowan: MANCHESTER UNITED ALL THE WAY!  
Robert: Now that was totally uncalled for!

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat: Rowan will come to her senses, she's just...  
Rimmer: She doesn't love me.  
Cat: She does though, she told me she just can't bare hurting you.  
Rimmer: Like she is now?  
Cat:She's under the impression that...what is she under the impression that?  
_Rimmer starts laughing.  
_Rimmer: I have no idea!  
Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: What? You want me to blacken your other eye for you as well?  
Lister: Nah Rimmer already beat you to that, I'm gonna look like a panda for sure tomorrow!  
Rowan: No Lister, pandas are cute and believe me you aint!  
Jo: CUT! Rowan I know you still havent forgiven Lister for perving on you but can you stick to the script and save the insults for later?  
Rowan: I suppose...

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Lister, I'm sorry I said what I did about Kochanski, I know how much she meant to you.  
Lister: I'm sorry as well.  
Rowan: We still friends?  
Lister: Friends.  
_Rowan starts singing the friends theme song._  
Rowan: So no one told me life was gonna be this way...  
Lister: Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A...  
Cat: It's like you're always stuck in second gear...  
Kryten: When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month or even your year...  
Rimmer: I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to fall...  
Jo: I'll be there...CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! AND CUT! This is getting bloody ridiculous!


	11. Chapter 11 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay guys here we go and ACTION!  
Rowan: Rimmer?  
_Rowan looks around the room and turns to leave but instead of just bumping into Rimmer she knocks him to the floor unconcious.  
_Rowan: Oh smeg! Jo he's out cold and he's not breathing!  
Jo: CUT! Stand back I know first aid.  
_Jo checks Rimmer's breathing and gives him mouth to mouth.  
Rimmer grabs Jo round the neck and snogs her.  
Rowan storms off in a jealous rage._

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan starts dancing around the sleeping quarters singing.  
_Rowan: Love me, hate me, say what you want about me, But all of the boys and all the girls are begging to if you seek Amy!  
_Off set the guy are talking amongst themselves.  
_Lister: Hell yeah I wouldn't kick her out of bed!  
Kryten: I wouldn't mind sticking my groinal attachment in her recharge socket!  
Cat: I'd love to seek Amy with her!  
Rowan: YOU BUNCH OF PERVERTS!  
Rowan storms off the set.  
Jo: CUT! Stop being perverts or I'll have Rimmer garrotte the lot of you!

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat: Holy crap she's been possessed by a dog!  
_Cat takes up a defensive position.  
_Rowan: It's all about us, all about us, runaway if we must cos you know oh oh, it's all about us.  
_Cat looks confused and starts staring at Rowan's arse.  
_Cat: Hey baby keep shaking your arse like that and I may have to remove myself from the top spot of sexiest arse on the ship!  
Jo: CUT! Cat learn your lines for God's sake and the post of sexiest arse has already been filled and it aint you!  
Cat: WHAT? who could have a better looking arse than me?  
Jo: Rimmer of course, duh!

Jo: ACTION!  
_A pair of hands covers Rimmer's eyes.  
_Rowan: Guess who?  
Rimmer: Is that you Lister? Does Rowan know you're using her hand lotion?  
Lister removes his hands from Rimmer's eyes.  
Lister: She does now!  
Rimmer: GAH Lister touched me! My God that was disgusting!  
_Jo laughs uncontrollably.  
_Jo: CUT! Start over!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Oh you are so sleeping on the floor tonight!  
Rimmer:You know you love me too much to subject me to that.  
Rimmer slides his hand up Rowan's shirt and gntly strokes her spine with his fingertips.  
Rowan: Oh hang on left a bit, no down slightly ah yeah right there between my shoulder blades, ah that's better.  
Jo: CUT! Rowan what the hell?  
Rowan: I had an itch!  
_Jo growls under her breath and storms off._


	12. Chapter 12 Smeg ups

**AN: For this chapter I would like to welcome Laura xx who will be my personal assistant. As this chpater was written on such a large scale I saw fit to draft in some extra help!**

Jo: Everyone ready on set?  
Laura: Yep.  
Jo: Okay then, ACTION!  
_Rowan jumps over the bar top and stands behind.  
_Rowan: Okay boys. Prepare for a night of drunken madness at the hands of Rowan Redfield, cocktail mistress extrodinaire!  
_Rowan pulls several bottles off the optics and starts juggling with them and drops every single one.  
_Rowan: Whoops!  
Jo: CUT!  
Laura: This is going to be a long day!  
_TAKE TWO  
_Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan jumps over the bar top and stands behind.  
_Rowan: Okay boys. Prepare for a night of drunken madness at the hands of Rowan Redfield, cocktail mistress extrodinaire!  
_Rowan pulls several bottles off the optics and starts juggling with them, howvere she only drops two this time.  
_Rowan: For smegs sake!  
Jo: CUT! Either you get it right or I'll hire someone who can!  
_Laura slowly backs away with a phone book at the ready._

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Hey Kryten, I managed to make a mechanised version for you to try.  
Kryten:Why thankyou Miss Rowan.  
_Kryten gulps the cocktail down in one.  
_Kryten: Oh my!  
_Steam flies from Kryten's ears and his head explodes.  
_Jo: CUT!  
Rowan: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!  
_Laura and Jo look a eachother wondering if they're cursed.  
Lister replaces Kryten's head and gives the thumbs up to proceed.  
TAKE TWO.  
_Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Hey Kryten, I managed to make a mechanised version for you to try.  
Kryten:Why thankyou Miss Rowan.  
_Kryten gulps the cocktail down in one.  
_Kryten: Oh my!  
_Steam flies from Kryten's ears and his head explodes again.  
_Jo: CUT!  
Laura: Rowan are you sure you're giving him the mechanised version and not the actual alcoholic drink?  
Rowan: Erm...Well...I...  
Jo: If anyone wants me I'll be in my trailer...HANGING MYSELF!

Laura: Oh you're back then?  
Jo: Yeah, couldn't find anything strong enough to hang myself with! Everyone ready?  
Laura: Ready when you are.  
Jo: Okay then guys, ACTION!  
_Justin Timerlake-Sexy Back starts playing and Rowan jumps up on the bar to dance but loses her balance and falls back off again.  
Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten start laughing.  
_Jo: CUT! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! CUT!  
_Laura shakes her head and burries her face in her hands.  
_**(AN: All credit fot that particular blooper goes to Laura xx)**

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Okay birthday boy, you wanted to see my version of dancing...well here it is.  
_Rowan starts pole dancing on the bar.  
_Lister: Smeg me!  
_Cat and Rimmer stare open mouthed while Kryten removes his lenses, wipes them on Cat's jacket and replaces them back into his skull sockets.  
_Rowan: So any volunteers?"  
Cat: Count me in!  
_Cat jumps up on the bar and falls down the other side.  
_Jo: Laura do you get the feeling all this is going rather too well?  
Laura: DONT SAY THAT!  
_Rowan swings both legs over the side of the bar and pulls Rimmer between them.  
_Rowan: What about you handsome? Care to dance?  
_Jo and Laura both deathglare Rowan jealously.  
Rowan kisses Rimmer and removes his offciers cap, placing it on her own head she stands up takes a step back and falls off the bar again.  
_Jo: FOR *#! SAKE CUT!  
Laura: You should've kept your mouth shut!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rimmer and Rowan are pole dancing on the bar when Rimmer tries to do slide down it and falls off the bar.  
Laura and Jo start laughing uncontrollably.  
_Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Rowan starts trying teach Rimmer, Kryten and Cat the macerena.  
Jo notices Lister dancing rather prevocatively with Laura.  
_Jo: CUT! Laura what exctly do you think you're doing?  
Lister: She's boogeying on down, lighten up Jo!  
_Laura looks at Jo and giggles.  
_Jo: Are you drunk?  
_Laura nods and whispers in Jo's ear and then shows her a clip on her mobile phone.  
Jo looks at her and laughs.  
_Jo: Good girl, that is going to come in extremely useful as blackmail material!  
**(AN: The picture on the mobile phone is a tatoo on Lister's left shoulder that depicts Rimmer chained to a stone pillar by his wrists wearing nothing but a loin cloth! Terrorform anyone!)**


	13. Chapter 13 Smeg ups

**AN: I'm afraid it's only a short one this time, didn't really have much to work with for this chapter but I think the four that I have done are pretty good so read and enjoy x**

Jo: Okay guys quiet on set and ACTION!  
_Kryten walks into the sleeping quarters.  
_Kryten: Good Morning...Oh, they must still all be suffering from Miss Rowan's lethal cocktail.  
_Jo nods and looks at her script expecting Rowan to move.  
Nothing happens.  
_Kryten: I said they must still all be suffering from Miss Rowan's lethal cocktail  
_Nothing happens.  
Kryten pulls back the covers on Rimmer and Rowan's bunk and finds they've fallen asleep.  
_Jo: CUT! Kryten you know the drill.  
_Kryten nods and produces an air horn._

Jo: ACTION!  
Kryten: Here are the photo's you wanted. I must say there are some very good ones of you and Mr Rimmer.  
Rowan:Yeah you were right Kryten, there are some really good pictures in here, especially this one.  
_Rowan starts laughing as she shows Kryten a picture of himself wearin a wedding dress, Rimmer dressed as a vicar and Lister as the groom.  
_Kryten: Oh my...erm...  
_Jo looks confused at her script then starts to get mad.  
_Jo: CUT! Kryten that's not the line.  
_Rowan hands Jo the photo  
Jo's eyes widen and she looks mortified.  
_Jo: Okay then...

Jo: ACTION!  
Rowan: Those two still asleep?  
_Rowan nods towards Lister and Cat.  
_Rowan: Shall I?  
Rimmer: I dare you!  
_Rowan raids Lister's locker and finds the airhorn.  
_Rowan: Aha there you are!  
Kryten: Miss Rowan, you wouldn't?  
Rowan: Oh I would!  
_Rowan holds the airhorn against Lister's ear and presses the button.  
Nothing happens so she tries again...and again...and again...  
_Rowan: Jo I think the airhorn's broken!  
Jo: For God's sake CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
_Lister wakes up and finds Cat on top of him.  
_Lister: Morning gorgeous!  
Cat: Hi buddy!  
_Lister and Cat then start kissing and stroking eachother.  
_Jo: CUT! Oh my God I think I need to use he little girls room!  
Rimmer and Rowan: Cat and Lister laying on a bunk, K.I.S.S.!  
_Jo walks off set and once out of earshot star laughing hysterically._


	14. Chapter 14 Smeg ups

Jo: Okay guys, nice outdoors set lets get started...ACTION!  
_Rimmer comes riding over the sand on his horse and pulls it to a halt but ends up falling over its head and landing in the sea.  
Everyone starts laughing.  
_Jo: CUT!

Jo: ACTION!  
Rimmer: So what do you reckon so far?  
Rowan: I'd say...that if I forget my lines one more time Jo's going to kill me!  
Jo: CUT! YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!

Jo: Okay guys make this quick, it's getting far too hot out here and I'm starting to get sunburn.  
Rimmer: That's okay, I'll rub aftersun on your back later if you want.  
_Jo blushes and giggles.  
_Rowan: Rimmer get your arse over here and lets get this over with!  
Jo: Okay guys and ACTION!  
Rowan: I envy you. There was never anything like this on my homeworld, it was all just one big city. I can't believe you didn't like it here it's amazing.  
Rimmer: You try living with parents that hated you and three brothers whose only excuse for hanging around with you was to torture you. I couldn't get away fast enough.  
Rowan: Are they still alive?  
Rimmer: Nope all dead and I couldn't care less. Trust me they'd take one look at you and start fighting over you, just because they think that anyone who ever looked twice at me needed a double labotab...loboobat, OH FOR SMEGS SAKE!  
_Rowan starts laughing and hugs him.  
Jo struggles not to laugh.  
_Jo: CUT! For crying out loud how much longer is this going to go on for?

Jo ACTION!  
Lister: Had fun today then you two?  
Rowan: Yeah, might have to go in there more often  
Lister: Okay gotcha, tripple word score!  
Cat:Smeg head? That's two words cheater!  
Lister: Prove it!  
Cat: What? That's not in the script gerbil features!  
Jo: You're damned right it's not. CUT!  
Lister: Shut up we're trying to argue here!  
Rowan: Uh-oh...  
_Jo jumps out of the directors chair and grabs Lister by his dreadlocks dragging him into the shower room...  
FIVE MINUTES LATER...  
Jo exits the shower room with a smug grin on her face.  
_Cat: Erm what did you do to him?  
Rowan looks round and sees Lister roll out of the shower room looking like a pretzel.  
Cat: Ouch, that looks painful!  
Lister: No really? YOU THINK?!

Jo: ACTION!  
Cat:So what are you two up to now?  
Rowan: Well hopefully Kryten's managed to find the five horror movies I asked him to look for this morning.  
Lister: Rowan, you show Rimmer a horror movie and he'll have nightmares!  
Rowan: Okay then Lister, if you're so brave come and watch it with us.  
Lister hesitates and looks absolutely petrified.  
_Jo looks at her script impatiently tapping her fingers.  
_Lister: PLEASE DONT MAKE ME INTO A PRETZEL AGAIN!  
Jo: CUT! Lister this time I'm going to make you into a pretzel, deep fry you, cover you in chocolate and throw you to the POLYMORPH!!


End file.
